Anxious whispers of “Where is He’s Not Here?” fill Franklin Street. The source of the tension: He’s Not Here, home of the iconic Blue Cup, announced its relocation plans to leave the 112 West Franklin Street location for the distant 113 West Franklin. Students were left confused and overwhelmed at the decision.

A large sign at the former He’s Not Here property points out the relocation: “He’s Not Here is Now There, Not Here.” 

He’s Not Here Bartender Bruce Mayne said he supports the decision. 

“I was tired of telling every person falling down the stairs ‘there, there’ every night, so it makes a lot of sense,” he said. “The 113 location doesn’t have stairs, so from here on out, we don’t have to worry about that.”

When asked about the change, Manager J.D. Dokoto first said, “what? Sorry, my hearing isn’t all there. To answer your question, my personal reasons are neither here nor there.”

But the change in location isn’t hearsay, Dokoto said.

“We are happy with the change, therefore, what matters to the He’s Not Here community is the here and now,” Dokoto said. “Heretofore, we have never seen this much interest in where He’s Not Here is.”

Several students, heading into the now-abandoned bar, clamored, “who even is He?” 

The world’s theological leaders called an emergency meeting last night in an attempt to answer that very question. Some feel that “He” is an anonymous, omniscient figure, not unlike Voldemort or God. Most of the Catholic archdiocese suspect that “He” is just some random guy who likes beer. Either way, all parties agree that “He” sounds like a cool dude who anyone would be lucky to share a cold one with.

It’s safe to say that, no matter what concerns bar goers have, no matter the reasons behind He’s Not Here’s decision, and no matter who “He” even is, He, whoever he may be, is no longer not here, no longer there, but the He that there was hereafter is here, and is not not here, but is now not there as well.