Jillian Oakes
Editor-in-Chief
Jillian Oakes is a 3rd-year student and 20th-year person at UNC-Chapel Hill. She studies English and History and currently has 23 CLEs (and counting). When asked about whether the Oh Well has improved or impaired her time at UNC, Oakes responded, “Please get out of my bathroom.” She’s starting to believe all the people who said that a double-humanities major was a mistake, but feels it’s too late to back out now. Aries rising, type O+ blood, and has recitation at Campus Y on Fridays from 10:10-11:00.
Kate Wilson
Editor-in-Chief
Kate Wilson is the co-editor-in-chief of The Oh Well. She is a renowned English poet, playwright, and actor born in 1564 in Stratford-upon-Avon. Her birthday is most commonly celebrated on April 23rd, which is also believed to be the date she died in 1616. She is best known for her two longest works, War and Peace and Anna Karenina, which are commonly regarded as among the finest novels ever written. She is a gemini, wife, mother of two sweet kids, and…she bakes!
Alex Gast
Assistant Editor
Alexander “The Tiger” Gast was originally carved from wood by his father, Gepetto Gast. He lived happily as a puppet in the Italian countryside for a time, but used his One True Special Wish to become a real boy on his eighteenth birthday. He was promptly accepted to UNC Chapel Hill on a full-ride basketball scholarship. When he’s not writing for The Oh Well, you can find him dancing the night away at Still Life, pooping in Davis Library, or practicing the clarinet. He hopes to one day quit The Oh Well and sell hard drugs to schoolchildren.
Molly Cassidy
Pledge Master & Senior Writer
Molly “Kate Wilson” Cassidy is a senior from Holly Springs, North Carolina. When she’s not writing, she is probably talking. God, she is so crazy! Her favorite words and phrases include “do you want to watch TV while we eat dinner,” “bastard,” and “do you want to watch a movie while we eat dinner.” She has written for The Oh Well since it was The Onyen and loves it dearly. She is best known for naming The Oh Well and hopes to name other stuff in the future, like a building or maybe a sandwich at a restaurant.
Sophie Taylor
Senior Writer & Video Team
Sophie Taylor is a senior at UNC who believes in love and laughter. She is tall as a beanstalk. Full time lover, part time squirrel. She rides the waves of joy and sorrow from life and takes thing one steps at a time. She ate a salad today and also yesterday. If she had to cut her hair tall or short she would choose short with bangs. When she grows up she wants to be a super star on a bill board or on something else, like a wall.
Preethika Ratnam
Writer
Preethika Ratnam is a writer for the The Oh Well and writes for the university’s satire paper (The Oh Well). Some of her pet peeves are redundancy, which means repeating the same thing over and over again, and repetitiveness, which means being redundant. Critics have described her as “legit awesomeness” and “awesomeness level maxxed out.” Fans have described her as “…”. This is because fans don’t talk. At least not the ones that create a wind-chill effect by circulating air.
Sydney Baker
Writer
How can you characterize such an enigma in just 100 words? Sydney Baker was born in 2005, then died in 2006. In just one long, glorious year of life, Sydney Baker majored in English and journalism at UNC. Sydney Baker was involved in practically everything on campus; a walker in the Quad, an eater in Lenoir, an escalator rider in Student Stores. Sydney Baker’s work centered around one powerful question: has science gone too far? But Sydney Baker’s favorite part of her short life was simple: being a writer at The Oh Well.
Kate Guthrie
Writer
Kate Guthrie is a sophomore UNC student in The Oh Well. She writes for The Oh Well and comes up with stories for The Oh Well! She also loves coffee, thrifting, and likes a chill night in but also loves to go out. She lives as a part-time goose that occasionally perches in trees to honk unexpectedly at pesky pesky UNC students. People are saying she is the coolest girl in the world and just a few apples tall. HONK!!
Mary Margaret Hurt
Writer
Mary Margaret is an individual who is on The Oh Well. Today she managed to Airdrop a random classmate a picture of the ketchup on her knee. She has a lot of talents like tying girl scout knots and peeling bananas backwards. She can sometimes throw a frisbee or catch a ball, when she’s in the mood. Her other hobbies include talking. Recently, her IT band has been bothering her, so you may find her on the ground stretching her IT band. She plans to stay in college for a while; we don’t really know if she will make it into the real world.
Meghan Healey
Writer
Knock knock. Who’s there? Meghan Healey. Meghan Healey who? Meghan Healey the writer for The Oh Well. Meghan recently joined The Oh Well writing force, after a lapse of judgement by the editors. She is most notably known for being part of the winning kickball team during the 2025 Oh Well Kickball tournament. Some might even say she was a key playmaker. I mean I wouldn’t be surprised if they erect a statue in her likeness. Anyway, if you see her in public, please do not approach for pictures. She just wants to be treated like a normal person.
Noora Hosseinzadeh
Writer
Noora Hosseinzadeh’s name is pretty hard to pronounce so let’s break it down! It starts off as NEW-ra and then her last name is Hossein (like that one Iraqi politician) and then you end it with zah-day! She is talented at many different things, too many things that cannot be listed in this paragraph, but just know she is very talented at many different things. Unfortunately, she’s just oh so busy that she was only able to fill out this short questionnaire:
fun fact: can levitate; ethnicity: doesn’t have one; major: noorology; favorite animal: jerboa
Dylan Mitlehner
Writer
What is there to say about Dylan Lane Mitlehner that has not already been said? He is the beginning, he is the end. He is the king of all kings, he is the footman slain on the field of battle. He always tells the truth yet always lies. He is the tallest mountain of creation and he is its most insignificant pebble. He is nothing, has nothing, and will always be nothing, and yet he is all that will ever be. As the great Tolstoy said, “we sleep when we don’t love. We are childwen of the dust… but one falls in love and one is a God, one is pua’ as on the fihst day of cweation…” (War and Peace Book II, Chapter IV).
Hayden Hall
Writer & Video Team
Hayden Hall, a Communication Studies major, is a proud member of The Oh Well. Though he looks like your average freshman, he is actually the vessel for an all powerful immortal being named Zolgorath. He has seen empires rise and fall, and he will witness the death of this universe and the birth of a new one from its ashes. Though he is trapped in this puny mortal body, he will rise again. In his free time he likes to play the saxophone. Hayden enjoys acting and getting involved in the multiple theater organizations on campus. All Hail Zolgorath.
Wilson Davis
Writer
Born Wilson “Cheddar Cheese” Obama, Wilson was considered the black sheep of the Obama family. After getting caught stealing 3000 pounds of cheddar cheese from the cheese factory, he was stripped of the Obama surname and thrown out of the White House by his mother, Michael. He had ginger hair and pubes. He will be known for his work at The Oh Well, a comedy paper at UNC Chapel Hill, which he mistook for glee club. He is remembered by his uncle, Alex “Pervert” Gasp. October 26th, 2025, he tragically died a virgin. He is on ice and will be revived nonchalantly in February.
Marcellus Day
Writer & Head Gamemaker
Marcellus Day, or Cool Guy, as his many friends like to call him, is a man who has lived. Born sometime, somewhere, he made his way to North Carolina sometime some years ago, and has been here ever since. He likes long walks on the beach, “Bananaphone” by Raffi, ItemLabel, and puzzles, he guesses. Please ask him about Chicken Caesar Salad, Milk, or Soap.
Shane Vulpis
Writer & Video Team
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William Bowes
Writer
Caroline Damesek
Writer & Video Team
Past Writers
Alex Colven
Writer (Spring 2024)
Ariel Goulian
Writer (Spring 2024)
Ben Goldman
Writer (Spring 2024)
Gabe Schaner
Writer (Spring 2024)
Henry Thomas
Writer and Treasurer (2024-2025)
Jake Langenderfer
Writer (2024-2025)
Julian Taylor
Writer (2024 – 2025)
Leah Jarrell
Writer (Spring 2024)
Owen Gast
Writer (Fall 2024 – Spring 2025)
Phoebe Martel
Writer (Spring 2024)
