It seemed an ordinary Wednesday at 11 a.m. in Dey Hall as students trickled in for Professor Melissa Richards’ Philosophy 101 lecture. For one student, Josh Mitcham, the morning was anything but ordinary. 

Mitcham had a dark secret. One he knew the feeble minds of his professor and peers could scarcely handle without shattering. Mitcham hadn’t done the two-page reading. 

“That’s the wild thing for me, like, the readings don’t even help. They’re just a waste of time I think,” Mitcham told the Onyen with a crazed look in his eyes, knowing he was the first ever person to share this hot take. 

When we informed Professor Richards of this comment, she momentarily left the room to compose herself. “I work hard choosing my assignments,” Richards said upon her return, tears in her eyes and a little bit of throw up still dribbling down her chin. 

What compelled Mitcham in this twisted act? “I was just swamped, you know,” he claims. Entering the fourth week of a class meant for freshmen and smart babies, who wouldn’t be? 

Not so, says an anonymous eyewitness, who asked for their identity to be obscured to avoid retaliation from this sick fuck. They reportedly saw Mitcham on the first floor of Davis library Tuesday night for upwards of 15 minutes, and claimed he was “playing 2048 like the whole time.” 

Mitcham, in a psychotic display from someone clearly well-versed in the art of manipulation, still participated in small group discussions. A group member says they were sickened by the news, and had no idea he’d never seen the reading, considering his flawless contributions like “I totally agree. There’s just so much to think about with it.” 

Professor Richards has now implemented a mandatory discussion post ahead of each class in an effort to slow Mitcham’s monstrous ascent to power. 

“I never thought it would come to this,” Richards said. “This world used to have honor. It used to have empathy.” 

It remains to be seen if Mitcham, insane bastard that he is, will somehow find a way to circumvent this requirement as well. The Chapel Hill Police Department did not respond for comment, but an investigation is ongoing.