This morning, an investigation by the Onyen found that Greenlaw Hall, UNC’s historic English department building, exploded two weeks ago. When told the news, Interim Chancellor Lee Roberts said, “What? For real?” and rushed to the window. 

“Man,” Roberts said. “Yeah I guess someone did vaporize Greenlaw in a massive fireball, huh.” 

“Oh gosh,” said Professor Marsha Collins, the English Department Chair, whose Greenlaw office was obliterated. “I didn’t even notice that I’ve been working from my smoldering desk atop a pile of rubble. Ah, well. These papers won’t grade themselves.” 

Students across campus have had mixed reactions to the incident. 

“I thought that giant smoking crater was always there,” said senior English major Ryan Hughes. Sophomore Jenny Darnielle said, “I don’t know, I kinda miss having my classes inside a building,” just before someone tossed a small rock at her head.

The Chapel Hill Police Department stated that the perpetrator behind the explosion is still at large, but they wish him all the best. 

“An athlete’s scooter got stolen three years ago, so we have most of our guys on that right now,” said the Chief of Police. “Finding whoever used tons and tons of explosives to destroy a 50-year-old staple of UNC’s campus is a bit below our pay grade. Maybe those SafeWalk folks could get on it.” 

A mandatory poll by the University asking if Greenlaw was worth rebuilding received two replies, both ‘no’s.