Another solar eclipse is here, and that means a wave of solar glasses, burnt retinas and nostalgia for the simpler times of 2017. In Chapel Hill, the eclipse is expected to begin at 1:51 p.m. and reach its peak at 3:09 p.m.

But not everyone is celebrating the celestial event. A few students entered the bottom floor of Wilson Library at 2:30 p.m. today to find Interim Chancellor Lee Roberts cowering on the floor.

“If he had a tail, it would’ve been between his legs,” one student said. “That guy was scared, alright.”

Onyen reporters have confirmed that Roberts is, in fact, cowering in Wilson. He’s currently in fetal position under one of the couches at the Music Library, but after a couple hours of coaxing from CAPS specialists, he’s stopped tearing out the carpet. 

Students noted that Roberts’ hiding place in Wilson also smells strongly of garlic, and one UNC Agriculture Professor, Kerry Sheem, has started wondering if Roberts’ strange behavior has anything to do with her livestock that’s gone missing this week. 

“I don’t want to point fingers,” Sheem said. “But if anyone’s stealing and potentially brutally murdering my sheep in the middle of the night, my bet is on the guy whimpering under the Music Library couch.”

Roberts hasn’t said a word the whole time he’s been hiding, but he has been furiously checking his Apple Watch watch. We can only hope he’ll feel comfortable going outdoors once the eclipse has passed and the sun has regained its normal, bearable strength.