It’s a tale as old as time. A Chapel Hill resident, spurred on by the bright sunny spring weather, steps outside, ready to enjoy the day—only to get attacked by a wave of yellow dust coming from all directions. This is the pollen epidemic. It happens every spring in Chapel Hill, and there are many who suffer greatly.
While it may be easy to blame mother nature, Onyen reporters have uncovered documents that suggest something much more nefarious might have been at play after Lee Roberts accidentally tweeted the admin password to the UNC Admissions portal (Chancellor$Power69).
In a memo from early March of 1979, then UNC Admissions Director Jorgunstein Smith wrote to the chancellor at the time, Greg McGee:
“Hey Greg, Did you sign for a big box full of pollen last week? We can’t find it anywhere. Also I’m thinking of changing my name back to John, Jorgunstein just isn’t commanding the respect I was hoping it would.”
In a personal email to Emily Splatch, Director of the UNC Visitor’s Center, Jorgunstein Smith wrote in April 1979:
“Hey Emily. Is there any way we can emphasize our pollen supply? We want to make sure that people with bad allergies know about the pollen and really think about it before coming to Chapel Hill. Maybe we can route all tours through the new pollen field, I think students are calling it the ‘quad’. Also, this is John, I changed my name back to Jorgunstein again because my mother put ‘Jorgunstein’ in her will and my lawyer said it might be a problem.”
This email came right before the Great Pollen Storm Of 1979, and the following admissions statistics report from that same month is one of the most damning pieces of evidence we have found.
From UNC Admissions Director John Smith to Chancellor Greg McGee:
“Here are the statistics for admitted UNC students: 25% women, 74% men | 79% white, 4% black, 6% asian, 1% other, 10% prefer not to say | 45% Upper Class, 35% Upper Middle Class, 15% Middle Class, 4% Lower Middle Class, <1% Lower Class | 2% weak allergic to pollen, 98% not allergic to pollen.
I’m happy to report that we have greatly reduced our allergy numbers! We can finally build up our sneeze-less community. As long as I’m in charge, this campus will only be a safe haven for the strongest breathers: people that can really sniff their stuff.
Also, I would just like to say sorry again for the stunt I pulled in your office last week. Just because everybody at the DMV laughed at me and bullied me into changing my name to just ‘John’ doesn’t give me the right to take it out on you. I hope that your orchids survive. Best, John Smith.”
These documents seem to indicate that the pollen epidemic was not only purposeful, but perhaps even intentionally eugenicist. However, since the 70s, UNC Admissions has become much better at covering their tracks, with no mention of purchased pollen since Jorgunstein’s tenure.
We may never know UNC Admissions’ true intentions, as John Smith (formerly known as Jorgunstein Smith) passed away in late 1979, a fact not recognized by the rest of the admissions staff until 1981 due to a typo in his obituary that listed his name as “Jon Smith.”
Tragically, his cause of death was allergies.
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