Calling all constipated freshmen! I’m here to help bring awareness to the most important question in your lives right now. Keep reading to learn more about the best and worst spots to take a dump in Chapel Hill!

8. Hinton James suite #513

The last place you should ever poop in is Hinton James suite #513. Imagine you are butt down on the toilet – feet up on the squatty potty – when one of your kind suitemates enters the bathroom and proceeds to rip open your cream colored shower curtain to find you in this utterly embarrassing position. Not that this has happened to anyone I’ve ever known, but just as a precaution, it’s better to avoid Hinton James suite #513.

7. Top of Lenoir 

A place I am not so fond of going #2 in is the Top of Lenoir. One particularly stinky experience I had was after indulging in a bean and cheese quesadilla. I should’ve known. I frantically ran to the toilet, and on my way in, I realized there was a table exactly one foot away from the bathroom. At this table sat a happy couple, obviously in love. The smiles faded from their faces as I sprinted in, their Lenoir dinner date utterly ruined. They knew.

6. Wilson Library

The bathrooms of Wilson library are not the most optimal place for a leisurely bowel movement: your poop will not dare to come out in fear of offending this 30,000-year-old building. I have also heard that there is a really mean ghost who lives there and comes out of the pipes to tell you how smelly your poop is.

5. Student Union

The upstairs bathrooms of the Student Union are just mid. Not only will you be able to hear the breaths of your poop neighbor whose stall is three inches away from you, but it is also FREEZING up there. Everybody knows that goosebumps and pooping do not combine well. However, when the weather is nice, and the bathroom temperatures are liveable, the proximity to other poopers can lend a sense of camaraderie to the entire situation. Your poops will know that they are not alone.

4.Cosmic Cantina

It dropped a couple spots in the rankings after its recent renovation, but the bathrooms of Cosmic Cantina remain one of the top spots in town for all you #2 enthusiasts. The occasional whiffs of beans and salsa flowing into the bathroom really jump start the process. Sometimes they even bring in a mariachi band to congratulate you for your huge success.

3. Law School

Coming in at top 3 most wonderful places to release your bowels, especially for all you really stupid people, is in the law school. If you choose to release in the bathroom while the real law students are doing the same, you could potentially absorb molecules of IQ from their poop! It’s also super helpful to just squat down in the corner of the lecture hall and drop a big one. This multitasking allows you to decide if you want to go to law school (you wouldn’t get in you’re way too stupid) while breaking some laws!

2. The Quad

One of my most favorite places to take a dump is right in the center of the lovely Quad, especially between the busy hours of 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. Not only does this fertilize the rich soil, but it also will be sure to give you a rejection therapy experience. People will reject you until at least 2029. If you don’t want to be noticed while engaging with such processes of excretion, just make sure you set up a table with a large venmo QR code and loudly ask passerby for donations to your club sports team.

1. The Old Well

In first place is the Old Well. Feels like this should go without saying. I heard it’s an exhilarating experience…(PLEASE reach out if you want to do this with me)