Following a meeting earlier this week, the UNC Board of Trustees released a statement outlining a new plan for reaching prospective students in Generation Alpha. The document, titled “Tar Heel Sigmas: A Path Forward for Gen Alpha Outreach,” included dozens of proposals aimed at making UNC feel more approachable to the chronically online.

When asked about the plan, Board Chair Bo F. Adeeznuts said, “These kids won’t get off their goddamn phones. None of them are ever going to want a college education if all they’re seeing is ‘Skibidi Toilet’ and ‘Thomas Shelby sigma’ edits. And that’s when we decided we should make UNC the flagship university for brainrot culture, a safe space for these looksmaxing gooners. If we could align our brand with their internet bullshit, we could get so many kids to give us their parents’ money! Anyway, now we’re gonna have a ‘Tik Tok Rizz Party’ in the Dean Dome and a special taping of the ‘Talk Tuah’ podcast during freshman orientation.”

The primary proposal outlined in the document was “Hark the Sound (Brainrot Edition),” a parodic rewrite of the school’s alma mater. If it passes a vote at next month’s meeting, the following will become UNC’s official alma mater:

Lyrics:

Glaze the gyatts of Tar Heel sigmas

Rizzing clear and true

Kai Cenat is in Ohio

Shouting skibidi!

Hail Baby Gronk

The true rizz king

On his mewing grind

Gigachads unite as one

Always looksmaxxing!

I’m a rizzler born

I’m a rizzler bred

And when I die, I’m a rizzler dead

So it’s rizz rizz

Livvy Dunne, Dunne

Rizz, rizz

Livvy Dunne, Dunne

Rizz, rizz

Livvy Dunne, Dunne

Go to Hell Duke!