Amidst the 70 million dollars in budget cuts, Chancellor Lee Roberts announced Monday that Davis Library would be “strategically reducing in height” by sawing off the top 5 floors and auctioning them on eBay. 

“I have always believed eight floors to be too excessive,” UNC spokesperson, Fifi Bigg, stated while marking a dotted line across the third-floor ceiling. “By removing the top half, we won’t just be saving on electricity, but eliminating the oppressive silence up there. We’ll also drastically reduce the risk of streaking, unless they just move to the third floor or something.”

The current draft for the auction listing describes the top half as “slightly used floors, minor existential dread, buyer must pick up in person.” Sources report that it has already attracted bids from Duke University and the Raising Cane’s on Franklin Street. The books are to be incinerated and the collected ash will be used as turf for Hooker Fields

University officials reassure concerned students that Davis’s lower half would still retain all of its essential functions, though the sawing process may cause minor blunt force trauma from debris and occasional holes in the floor. Overcrowding concerns were only mildly addressed. 

“Who knows? Maybe we’ll need to cut the student body in half, too!” Bigg added. “From the torso up.”