This Wednesday afternoon, at 3:30 pm, several high ranking members of The Onyen found themselves hiding in the first floor men’s bathroom of McColl Building in the rightmost stall: the most prominent structure of Kenan-Flagler Business School. 

If you were to ask how or why this occurred, you’d be asking the wrong questions. But for those of you that are eager to access the profound teachings of the Chapel Hill business community, we’ve got you covered: here are the five biggest business lessons we learned while hiding in a bathroom at Kenan-Flagler.

1. Your network is your net worth

Coming in at number one, and to no surprise for anyone with any sort of business experience, your network is your net worth. If your friend’s parents cannot nepotistically offer you a summer internship at the consulting firm you want to work at, you need to make new friends—never mind the fact that you don’t really know what consulting actually is. Here at the Onyen, we recommend using LinkedIn to find executives at the companies you’d like to work for, and sending them a message like “hi there, I am looking to make friends, and I’ve heard you have kids that are around my age—would any of them like to hang out with me?” Once you inevitably befriend their kids, corporate executives will have no choice but to offer you the coveted job you’ve been after all along. (Note, this article may or may not have been sponsored by an unnamed job-search platform).

2. You have to spend money to make money

This is another classic for the veterans of business, but is always worth repeating to the beginners: you can’t build a corporate empire without some sort of sacrifice, and more often than not, that sacrifice is money. We have the data to back it up: 100 percent of Kenan-Flagler students that entered the men’s restroom yesterday afternoon and answered our survey questions revealed that they were owners of a luxury vehicle. The students also mentioned that their parents had bought their cars for them (for advice along those lines, please refer back to business lesson #1 or meet a Duke student). Either way, the takeaway is the same: get yourself a really expensive car as soon as you can.

3. The middle stall is out of toilet paper

This one might seem a little out of place among the rest of these complicated, high-level adages of the business world, but I would argue that taking care of business in the bathroom is one of the most crucial aspects of achieving success in corporate America, and knowing how and where you can source your toilet paper materials is an integral part of that process.

4. The Wolf of Wall Street

We’re not really sure how this movie is relevant to the teachings of Kenan-Flagler, but one gentleman came into the bathroom and yelled “I am the Wolf of Wall Street” into the mirror for about 15 minutes, so it clearly has some significance. (The powder he left all over the sink is probably unrelated, but one investigative reporter at the Onyen had to test it to be sure. He’s now lying down in the big stall and we’ve only heard him speaking in six-figure numbers since). So, if you haven’t yet seen the film, be sure to put it at the top of your priority list for the upcoming week.

5. The early bird gets the worm

If you get up at 5 a.m., immediately do 800 ab crunches and then eat an avocado with its peel and pit every morning, it is physically impossible for you to not find success as a businessman. The only thing is, we’re not sure how long that success will take, and in the meantime you will have severe digestion-related issues—the hour and a half one pitiful Kenan-Flagler student spent in the stall next to our’s was proof enough. Too bad he’s in the middle stall.