Last Friday, third-year Henry Pinter accidentally attended the Model United Nations at Chapel Hill (MUNCH) convention in the Student Union, hoping to improve his craft and show the world how much he cares about female pleasure. But after the last Onyen post went viral, his girlfriend, Patricia Dean, broke up with him. 

Now, Pinter pledges to forget the love of his life by immersing himself in the true mission of MUNCH: global politics and problem-solving.

“I was trying to close the gap between orgasms, but now, I’m going to focus on closing the gap between countries,” Pinter said.

Dean, who broke up with Pinter after a four-year committed relationship, said she couldn’t stay with him after the Onyen story 

“It was embarrassing,” Dean said. “Like yeah, he gives me head. I don’t need my peers to know about our sex life—my TA saw that post.”

After the break-up, Pinter tore all his pictures of Dean off the wall and replaced them with maps. A communications major with no hobbies, Pinter said he’d never had any interest in international relations before now.

“When I read up on last week’s MUNCH meeting, I did think ‘international relations simulation’ said ‘international relations stimulation,’” Pinter admitted. “But now I want to learn more about the world around me. I’ve had my head under a rock for far too long.”

Dean was disgruntled to hear Pinter publicly slandering their sex life. She confronted him outside the Student Union—where he now spends all his time—and told him that she ‘faked it every time.’

But the one thing that isn’t fake is Pinter’s newfound love for Model UN. He said he can’t wait to be a delegate and has already started preparing for the oral component of next year’s debate.

“Not like that,” he clarified. “I think I could be really good at debate. I don’t need female pleasure to define me anymore.”