As the slow drip of winter thaws into spring, college students across the nation stretch out their hamstrings, lace up their sweatpants and gather around the TV to support their school’s most-skilled, least-paid basket-ballers. That’s right douchebag, it’s time for March Madness, and we here at The Onyen aren’t going to tell you what you want to hear, we’re going to tell you what you need to hear. So buckle up buttercup: these are Onyen sports reporter Bert Gerber’s answers to your most frequently asked questions.

1. What is the NCAA?

The National Collegiate Athletics Association (NCAA) is the administrative body responsible for growing the multi-billion dollar market of college merchandise sales, broadcast rights and ticket sales. The NCAA is also responsible for ensuring that all athletes are not biased or otherwise distracted from their athletic passions by the profits of said market.

2. What is basketball?

Invented by James Naismith in 1891, basketball is a game in which five players attempt to put a ball through a small hoop in order to earn the right to lightly tap another player on the bottom. Naismith, a deeply closeted chaplain, invented the game as an excuse to pat the heinie of his work crush, Brian Watermark.

3. What is March Madness?

March Madness is an annual tournament during which local car dealerships compete to see who can make the most compelling marketing strategy.

4. How do players know when it is okay to give a little butt tap?

Whenever a teammate successfully demonstrates achievement, they expect a minimum of one little tap on the bum. Common basketball achievements include: making a free throw, rebounding, assisting, subbing out, completing a post-game interview and having a positive attitude after Coach chews you out in front of the whole team.

5. Who is Coach?

Someone who wants you to be the best you you can be. Sometimes he has to push you, but that’s just because he believes in you.

6. Who are the best teams in the tournament this year?

According to the AP Power Ranking, the five best men’s teams are Houston, UConn, Purdue, UNC and Tennessee. The five best women’s teams are South Carolina, Iowa, Southern California, Stanford and Texas.

7. Can anyone win either tournament?

No. Only a men’s team is allowed to win the men’s tournament, and only a women’s team may win the women’s tournament.

8. No, I mean like, can only the top ranked teams win the tournament, or can any team win the tournament that they’re in?

Yep! The NCAA tournaments are notorious for their Cinderella stories.

9. What is a Cinderella Story?

A Cinderella Story is a variation of a commonly recreated folk-tale in which a young female character living in unfortunate circumstances is made fortuitous through a magical intervention. This fortune is often attributed to her good and unique character, and frequently is demonstrated by her ascent to the throne, often through marriage. The earliest recorded variant of the story was told by the Greek geographer, Strabo, in which an eagle drops the sandal of Rhodopis, a Greek slave girl, into the lap of the king. The king searches for the owner of the sandal, finds Rhodopis, and marries her.

10. That’s obviously not what I was asking about.

Yeah, no duh. It was a joke. This is satire.

11. Oh, is it?

Shut up.

12. What are the differences between the men’s and women’s tournaments?

There are two key differences between the two:

1. Pretending to be pregnant by putting the ball under your jersey is considered to be far more effective in the women’s game.
2. The men’s games last an average of 10 minutes longer than the women’s games. This is due to the quarter-final game in 1972 that lasted for a total of 12 hours and 18 minutes of active gameplay. Kansas State and Louisville men’s teams had played a total of 11 hours and 42 minutes before junior forward Bill Butler noticed that the clock had never been started. 

13. What happens during a timeout?

Coach checks in with the team to make sure everyone is having fun out there.

And that’s basketball! Now go paint your face an appropriate color and let’s have some fun!