Let’s stop lying: we’ve all envied the journey our dirty little dishes embark upon on the Lenoir dish carousel. I work so hard, surely harder than a dish, without the promise of a slow mechanical whirlwind at the end of the day. It’s not fair! That is why, dear Onyen readers, I took matters into my own hands, and I’m ready to reveal all. After 24 moist, grody hours, I have compiled a list of everything you need to know about riding the Lenoir dish carousel for 24 hours straight. 

1. It’s gonna get wet

If there’s one thing you take from this article, it’s that the carousel is wet. Appropriate gear and attire are of the utmost importance. Personally, I would have crumbled by hour twelve without my backup backup snorkel. Can you imagine? This article wouldn’t exist, and where would we be? Back to doom-scrolling? Abysmal. There’s no water in doom-scrolling (except for a few self-loathing, kitten-video-induced tears), and certainly not as much as in the dish carousel.

2. You have to blend in

As much as the thirst for knowledge drives me, it’s not quite enough to push me toward bothering innocent CDS workers. To avoid this, you must become undetectable. You must become the dish. Forget your past life. That day, your white, circular, concaved existence is all you have or will ever know. With this clean (or mac n’ cheese-covered) slate, you open yourself up to the wisdom of the carousel. And it has a lot to teach you.

3. Don’t bother the WasteZapper2000

We’ve all doubted UNC’s claims of food waste repurposing, myself included; however, after seeing the WasteZapper2000 with my own eyes, I take it all back. Its work is tenacious and passionate. It’s like a three-eared Van Gogh. To deny its existence would be to face God and turn a cold shoulder. Each of the 1,356 times I rounded the corner from cafeteria to kitchen, it felt like the first gaze upon my newborn robot son. Miraculously, Zappy only costs UNC a mere 2 million a week! It’s not like they’ve got anything else to spend that on. Sorry, what was I talking about? Right. Don’t bother it. CDS does not offer paid time off for workers injured by Zappy, much less for curious Onyen readers such as yourself.

4. Remember to take stretch breaks

The human body isn’t built for the demands of the carousel. Physical well-being is more important than the illustrious siren song of forbidden knowledge. Listen to your body and do a few toe touches if you start to stiffen up.

5. The smell is intentional. And unavoidable

Though Chase (Lenoir’s younger, stinkier cousin) is more commonly associated with the signature “dining hall smell,” an equal amount of effort is put into infiltrating the noses of Lenoir diners. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure they pump it through the vents. Or out of Zappy’s exhaust pipe. Regardless, avoiding it is fruitless and will only impede your quest for oneness with the carousel.