Transitioning from high school to college is a rough journey for most first-years, so the UNC administration has implemented some new curriculum requirements and policies to help them. 

Firstly, College Thriving has increased involvement in students’ lives, requiring them to show proof that they make at least three friends over the semester. If not, they will fail the course and be forced to retake it with all the other losers who couldn’t find friends. 

Secondly, as the COVID-19 pandemic lingers in our minds, a new Triple-I class has been added so we can just dwell on it a little longer. “Synergizing Our New Normal in This Post-Pandemic World” is now available for first-years to enroll in, with a seating maximum of 640 instead of the typical 350 for Triple-I courses. This course is held in three different lecture halls at 6 pm MWThF, with a Zoom lecture streaming from the Cobb basement. The professors have a wide range of expertise: geography, archeology, and theoretical nutrition.

Thirdly, first-year orientation presentations are now required to extend their time by 15 minutes each. 

Fourthly, a new club, “Sitting with Strangers,” employs the friendliest of UNC’s students to go and sit with people around campus who appear to be lonely. They are allowed to talk about pets, helpful study habits, and civic engagement. If you wish to preserve your alone time while you are sitting on the Quad or in the library, just smile very big and they might believe you are happy.

Finally, first-year students are required to record their dreams every morning and submit them to a database where they are scrutinized. This allows the UNC administration to ensure maximum happiness and control the direction of its student body. Students can also sign up to analyze the data to fulfill their research requirement for graduation.