To learn more about the student dining experience, The Oh Well executive team contacted our top investigative journalist, proposing the unprecedented task of spending a whole day in Lenoir. Since she couldn’t make it, I took up the mantle instead. Here’s what I learned in the belly of the beast:
- Soy Nuggets aren’t that bad!
I know, I know … they’re sort of slimy. But if you can get past the texture of these pseudo-chicken abominations, there’s a whole world of awesomeness awaiting you on the shady banks of FlavorTown.
- Every day at exactly 3:17 PM, The Incomprehensible Fog descends upon Lenoir.
It’s true; once the lunch crowd clears out, The Incomprehensible Fog fills the dining hall for about twenty minutes. It isn’t dangerous unless you breathe it in, touch it, or look at it for too long.
- The Ice Cream Bar has unlimited toppings.
Remember the days when Chase held the ice cream advantage over Lenoir? Well, those days are over! Pick between three unique flavors, then dollop on your desired amount of rainbow sprinkles, chocolate chips, Oreo crumbles, and more. Best sweet treat of all time!
- The dish carousel is awesome.
Much of my time spent in Lenoir was devoted to watching the rotating dish disposal spin around. It’s free entertainment! I recommend catching it during breakfast, lunch, or dinner, but would advise students to avoid the area at all costs at 3:17 PM. I’m sure you’re familiar with the whole shindig, but it is from here that The Incomprehensible Fog emerges, and is therefore at its most powerful.
- Check the online menu ahead of time.
Look, I know I said I liked the soy nuggets, but after 13.5 hours, they got a bit old. If I’d known they were going to be served for an entire day, I would have packed a sandwich or something. Also, I forgot to mention this earlier, but if The Incomprehensible Fog touches you, it gets to keep your soul for all eternity. I forgot to say that part before.
- To clarify: The Fog is neither a vessel of evil or of good. It exists beyond our understanding.
Obviously, The Incomprehensible Fog is dangerous. But I don’t want to label it as an evil being. It’s an ancient thing, bound by forces older and more powerful than our feeble moralities. Would you call the bird evil for eating the worm? Morals wane in the face of The Fog, and all that is left is terror. Feel free to stop reading if you know this stuff already.
- Protect your friends.
Thankfully, I steered clear of The Incomprehensible Fog’s clutches, but my friend was hypnotized by its mystic allure and spellbinding siren song, causing her to wander, like a woman possessed, into the abyss. I haven’t seen her since.
7. Protect your friends, cont.
Also, I might have mentioned this before, but The Fog is destined to consume the campus (minus Kenan-Flagler) by the summer solstice of 2026 unless the Chosen One fulfills the prophecy and defeats the curse. If the Chosen One is able to destroy The Incomprehensible Fog, the souls it has ensnared will be freed from the spectral plane. Like I said, you have probably heard this previously, but the stakes could not be higher; the deadline is approaching swiftly like a storm on the horizon, gluttonous and destructive.
- Bring your own toilet paper!
They’ve got bad stuff in the TOLO bathrooms, man. Single-ply, if even. And trust me, you’ll need something more substantial once the soy nuggets tear through your system.
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