Earlier this year, UNC opened the North Carolina Surgical Hospital, a state-of-the-art facility built specifically for cutting-edge, life-saving surgeries. Now, several months after the grand opening, hospital staff are speaking out about a major disruption to daily operations: Bees. And lots of ‘em! 

Leaving a shift Friday evening, Dr. Abby Stungme, MD told the Oh Well, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the new building. There’s so much natural light, and the bathrooms are nice enough that the huge shits I take during my lunch break are actually quite pleasant. I also have a standing desk in my office, which is a bonus. The only problem is the bees. There’s gotta be thousands of ‘em. Always buzzing around like they own the place, the little f–kers. We’ve tried everything: bug zappers, hazmat suits, confetti cannons, but nothing works. Usually, I’ll get stung at least 20 times during a normal workday, which I honestly wouldn’t mind that much if I weren’t deathly allergic to bees. I’ve started keeping a constant IV drip of epinephrine going throughout the day so I don’t go into anaphylaxis while operating. Now, my life is kind of like that old movie, ‘The Birds,’ except instead of birds, it’s about bees. ‘The Bees.’”

So far, the hospital has only seen one patient, who left immediately on account of the bees. “It was a pretty nice hospital, but there were a bunch of bees in there,” the patient said. “I’ve honestly never seen that many bees before. Well, I guess there was that one time I went to a bee farm, but this felt like more because you don’t normally see any bees in the hospital.”

Despite projections that UNC hospitals would declare bankruptcy in the fallout from this debeecle, the organization is reporting record-breaking profits after opening a honey stand in front of the new building.