Students and community members have recently been reporting strange phenomena surrounding the Franklin Street Panera, seeing a slight increase with the seasonal release of its autumnal squash soup and strawberry poppyseed salad. 

Multiple instances of people parking on the premises, taking a leisurely stroll around the block, and returning to the area were astonished to see their cars miraculously gone from their parking spots. 

Upwards of 15 dismayed freshmen and 10 community members have experienced disappearances since August. 

Of the victims of the vehicle vanishings is Carla “Car” Staken, landscaper and former owner of a tasteful Mary Kay pink Cadillac last seen on Oct. 3. 

“I thought at first my vision had been obscured by this eye sore of a sign that says ‘Tow Away Zone,” Miss Staken said. “I quickly removed the sign in haste to see if my car was obscured by it and to improve the exterior design of the restaurant.” 

The Oh Well asked Staken why she defaulted to rip the sign out of the ground rather than peer around it, but she declined to comment. She also told us that the better question to ask was how she single handedly heaved the sign out of the ground as if it was her Excalibur.

Staken’s heroic measures have since attracted more customers to the thriving small business feel of the non-drive-thru Panera. However, the disappearances haven’t stopped, with at least one report of a missing vehicle on-site per week. 

Panera regular Todd Mater, doting manager and major tower for towing company Mater’s Taters ‘n Towing Favorers, weighed in on this mysterious caper: 

“I definitely can put this mystery to rest,” Mater stated. “But if you want me to unload any info on you it’s gonna cost you a $100 cash payment upfront.” 

The Oh Well declined the offer out of respect for our sprouting print-digital publication’s fall budget, a shockingly non-lucrative endeavor

At-length investigations by Ghost Hunters Inter-tristate-area & UNC’s Fae and Forensics Alliance are being held biweekly at the Franklin Street Media Art Space. Additional volunteer efforts are being organized by Miss Staken, who is now running for Mary Kay regional outreach coordinator. 

But for now, this phenomenon remains… unexplained.