Are you tired of that stinky old dorm room? Interested in venturing into the world of shared showers, toilets, kitchens, and living spaces, but in a house this time? OMG, me too! That’s why I am giving all of you future Chapel Hill tenants my BEST, most HELPFUL advice for finding your future off-campus home in this stressful, competitive, debilitating housing market. 

First off, you’ve got to figure out what you’re looking for. A five-bedroom on McCauley Street? No way! Those are overrated. Look, it may seem that living closer to campus would be the optimal choice, but think about how annoying it would be when your walk to your 9 a.m. is only 20 minutes. We all know that the longer your walk to class, the stronger your mind, body, heart, and soul. Come on! We’re looking for a house within a 30 minute radius or longer from Greenlaw. 

I know you’re trying to find a house with enough bedrooms for you and all your friends, but imagine this: You wake up in your new home (just a three minute walk from the RR lot!), and you’re nose to nose with your best friend Leslie—who’s butt to butt with your other good friend Samantha. How lucky you are to share a bed with two other people! Most people would kill to have close friends like that. If you really want to get the full college experience, aim for a two-bed house for your five friends. You, Leslie, and Samantha can share one room while your two guy friends Dean and Chase share the other! Plus, there’s plenty of space in the living room for an air mattress for your friend Alex. Remember? You promised her spring housing after she gets back from her fall study abroad in “Barthelona”. Houses with more than two bedrooms feel too big—cold and musty, even. Spare yourself and your friends and get something that will make everyone feel closer!

Okay, now that you know what you’re looking for, I encourage you to take a self-care break. This has been hard work—you deserve some time to yourself without having to worry about housing for next year. Make sure to mute the group chat you’re in with all of your prospective housemates. Whatever you do, DO NOT respond to any of the texts. Don’t even show up to the house tours; this is YOUR time. Use it to meditate. Or learn how to knit. Honestly, you should probably just do Zillow/Rent.com cleanse. It’s not like they were helping you find a house in the first place. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I want you to just go ahead and delete your Zillow account. This will clear not only your Gmail inbox, but also your mind. 

Now we’re right around the time where you can start back up your search. Yes, now your two friends Dean and Chase have dropped your housemate group because they found a beautiful, cheap home on North Street with their other friends. You know what? Forget them. They’ll have such a short commute to campus which is honestly so sad for them. They’ll be able to host so many fun parties, but hey, you didn’t even want that anyways. Stay strong, sister. Let’s keep looking at some houses that just opened up on Gary Street. Never heard of it? Good. The more underground the better! 

Thinking of asking your senior friend to hop on their lease when they move out? Don’t! That’s a terrible idea. There could be so many things wrong with that house. Like…I bet it’s infested with roaches. And it’s a four-bedroom on West Cameron Avenue? Pick a struggle. Just LMK the address, your friend’s number, and what the rent/utilities are and I’ll vet it for you. 

Okay so yeah that’s out of the question. The lease has already been taken over as of a couple of minutes ago. Where am I living next year? Dude, I’m not gonna doxx myself. You have nothing to worry about—you’ll find housing somehow. 

At the end of the day, you can always choose room renewal at Morrison! See you on campus, loser.