Last Tuesday was like any other Bluesday at He’s Not Here. That is, until Jesus Christ descended from Heaven and preached from the stairs. Here’s what Oh Well correspondent Matthew Mark witnessed that night:

“Put down your blue cups and cigarettes,” Jesus cried upon His descent. “For I am the Lord your God, and I’d like a Mango Cart, please.” The crowd was stunned. “Just kidding. I’m here for the half-off blue cups.” After a few scattered laughs, Jesus cleared His throat.

“For real though, I’m Here because it’s been a while,” Jesus reminisced. “A lot has changed. Back when I went to Carolina, they called it He is Here because I was Here all the time.”

“Ohhh,” the students murmured.

“Yeah. Anyhow, I just wanted to come back and check out the scene,” Jesus said. And the students welcomed him with open arms.

After He mingled for a bit, Jesus proposed a toast. “But we have only a few blue cups left among us!” the students cried. They were right — closing time was near, and the bartenders had already made the last call.

“Hold your cups high,” Jesus said. Then He told the students to sit down at the picnic tables. Jesus took His cup, looked up toward Heaven, and blessed it. Then He split His beer into two blue cups and gave them to the bouncers, who distributed them to the students. It was incredible; Jesus’ two cups held enough beer for everyone. When they had all had enough to drink, He said to the bouncers, “Gather the drinks that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.” So they gathered them and filled twelve blue cups. It was a Bluesday miracle.

Before He left, Jesus gave the crowd one final thought. “Everything would seriously be much better if we could just be a little nicer to each other. Just in general.” The students took pause here, letting His words sink in. After all, He’d just performed a miracle; it was the least they could do. “Also, go to Hell, Duke,” Jesus added. The students erupted in deafening cheers as Jesus ascended back to Heaven.

As everyone left He’s Not Here, it was clear that Jesus’ appearance had an impact. Friends hugged, strangers shared compliments, and enemies became civil. People really were behaving a little bit nicer than before. And it was good.

A plaque commemorating Jesus’ sermon on the stairs will be unveiled next week. It will read, “He is not Here: for He is risen, as He said, “Come, see the place where the Lord filled hundreds of blue cups.”