In a shocking twist of fate that football experts are calling “not shocking” and “not a twist of fate,” the UNC Tar Heels are slated to take on the UCF Knights today, Saturday, September 20th, at 3:30pm. According to sources close to The Oh Well, the game will be played in four parts, with a medium-size break directly following the second quarter. Both teams will likely display some combination of offensive and defensive strategies, resulting in a win for either the Knights or the Heels.
 
“I don’t get what the story is, exactly,” commented UNC offensive lineman Chad Lindberg on the upcoming game. “We play, like, every weekend.”
 
I explained to Lindberg that most major news sources – such as CBS, the NYT, and The Daily Tar Heel – occasionally run ironic pieces, labelled in big blue letters as “satire.” In an effort to keep up with our nation’s most successful news outlets – such as CBS, the NYT, and The Daily Tar Heel – our paper will begin reporting on actual news, or “un-satire,” much like our pals at CBS, the NYT, and The Daily Tar Heel.
 
“Wow,” replied Lindberg, spinning a football in his hands, for effect. “I feel like satire papers should publish only satire, and major news organizations – such as CBS, the NYT, or The Daily Tar Heel – should stick to the real news.”
 
“Ah, but you’re mistaken, my dear Lindberg,” I said, stopping the spinning football with my pointer finger. “It is the right of every serious news organization – such as CBS, the NYT, and The Daily Tar Heel – to run satire, even if there is a funnier, more successful satire paper already on campus. ‘Campus’ meaning the national news-scape, obviously. It’s, like, journalistic integrity.”
 
“Okay, I guess,” said Lindberg. We fist-bumped goodbye, and I wished him luck on his big, big game against UCF.
 
The game will be streaming today, Saturday, September 20th at 3:30 pm on every major US channel. Though no one can say for sure who will emerge with the win, two things are certain: the game is today, Saturday, September 20th at 3:30 pm, and The Oh Well is UNC’s leading satirical – and non-satirical – publication.