Last week, we sat down with Lee Roberts to discuss his vision for the upcoming campus expansion project, Carolina North. Our reporters had one pressing question: How did he think of such a clever name for this satellite campus?

Roberts said that the idea struck him in the shower. “What if we simply switched the words North Carolina around? And then I got to Carolina North and thought, this is perfect. Nobody working on the project has thought of this yet.” He said this was one of his many notable shower thoughts, just second to one he had last week: “What if we all see colors differently?”

From his response, our reporters segued: What all will be located on Carolina North’s campus? Roberts confirmed that the University will be constructing a new basketball stadium there: the Dome Dean. It will have new box seats, $30 Dog Hots, and an even smaller Section Student. The more Points Fever you have, the better shot you’ll have of getting a Ticket Basketball Men’s UNC. And in it, posters of legends will hang — Jordan Michael, Davis RJ, Wilson Caleb.

There will also be new housing to address the campus housing crisis. The names for these new dorms have already been settled — James Hinton, Haus-E, and Village Rams, to name a few. There will even be a Carolina North version of South Campus called Campus South, in addition to Campus North on Carolina North. Other buildings will include East New, West New, West Old, and East Old. The compass will also work differently there: southnorth, eastsouth, westeast, and northsouthwesteastupdownsidetosiderockyourbodygirl. There will also be a Building South. “Yeah, we scanned the whole building with AI and plan to build an exact copy, just mirrored,” said the chancellor. “Just like they did with the clone in my closet.” 

Roberts Lee said there will even be versions of our beloved campus landmarks, like a Tower Bell, and a Well Old — which drinks you. The satellite campus’s logo will even be slightly altered: the Heel Tars. 

The main campus bus will be the UR, and there will even be a 2P2, which drives students to Court Frat, where there may even be Assault Sexual. In the Middle of Lenoir, you can use Swipes Plus to order Lamb Legs of Mediterranean. Or, you can use Flex dollars at fil-a-Chick. 

Lee also shared plans for a School of Intelligence Artificial and a Studies Center Area, which will promptly be defunded by the Trustees of Board. Carolina North students are free to complain about the cuts on Yak Yik. 

But, most importantly of all, there will allegedly be a satire publication thriving there called The Well Oh. Insiders report that the publication will report news in a backwards manner, not unlike the Carolina Review or the Palindrome Weekly.