As of February 2024, our in-house Onyen Statistics Team found that UNC’s notorious “Pit Preacher” was working at a steady rate of students successfully converted to Christianity: zero. This past week, however, everything changed when the local pastor was hospitalized after being struck by lightning. 

Being at the highest exposed elevation east of the quad and north of the Student Stores (the two-foot brick wall), he was at the greatest risk of electrocution during the week’s thunderstorm—not to mention his close proximity to the vast Pit Puddle, a local electrician said.

Emergency officials arrived on the site around 2:47 p.m. and reported that the man was in a “neurotic state,” mumbling something to himself about Deutoronomy 23:2. Our investigative journalists, currently in talks with Religious Studies professor Bart Ehrman, have yet to figure out “what the fuck that means.”

Curiously, the day of the preacher’s electrocution held his most successful spike in conversions. Since then, the number of converted Christian students has gone up by seven percent: approximately 1,400 students. 

When asked about his recent and sudden decision to be “saved,” Business student Matthew Mark recalled the lightning strike.

 “The experience was really profound,” Mark said. “Right before the lightning strike, the Pit Preacher was yelling something about ‘bah bah You go to Hell you Sin Goo goo gaga!’ I normally speed walk past Mr. Pit Preacher, but today, he hooked me.” 

Mark said the lightning strike seemed more than coincidence.

“Right when I was about to unload my religious trauma on him, the stupid little guy got struck by lightning,” Mark said. “I just know that was God.”

Since his divine intervention, Mark has only accelerated his faith journey. And he’s not the only one. In fact, 30 students have dropped out of UNC to work full-time tabling for ministries in the quad. Surprisingly, the majority of these students were Sexuality Studies and Jewish Studies majors. 

“What can we say, when the Lord Jesus Christ calls, we answer!” said a newly converted ex-feminist. 

The Pit Preacher is still recovering from his cardiac arrhythmia, respiratory arrest, coma, blunt trauma and assortment of burns. But he said he only officially retired from evangelicalism because of the hangnail on his left pointer finger—unrelated to the lightning strike—that he uses to wag angrily at passersby. 

Luckily, his voice is still intact enough for him to yell “begone, slut!” at his neighbors and close personal friends. 

Student converts have already organized a meal-train for the injured pastor, and pastel Instagram graphics are in progress.