On Sunday, March 17, UNC basketball fans waited with bated breath as the official NCAA men’s March Madness bracket revealed 2024 seed placements. At last, the bracket was released: the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill was revealed as a No. 1 seed team. 

Cheers rang around campus; friends embraced friends; TAs tossed ungraded essays into the air. For the first time (at least since the men’s basketball victory over Duke a week prior), everyone at the university was united under one triumphant cause. 

Well– almost everyone. 

Following the announcement, an Onyen correspondent found the head of the UNC Botanist Society, Herb Trowel, pacing around the garden boxes in front of Lenoir. His head was hung, causing the wide brim of his straw gardening hat to scrape lightly against the ground. 

When asked for a statement, Trowel said: “I just don’t get it. Only one? Why would you only want one seed? What if it doesn’t germinate?” He then continued to circle and refused to elaborate further, opting instead to mutter incessantly under his breath about seed hibernation and sustainable farming techniques. 

Great strides are being taken to prevent Trowel and his associates from learning of No. 16 seed teams in fear of a coup. This story is still unfolding, just like the petals of the Botanist Society’s well-maintained daffodils.

For now, only three things are certain: death, taxes and the weeding out of inadequate teams.