Thanks to the recent Alabama Supreme Court ruling classifying IVF embryos as legal persons, petri dishes across the state became eligible to play in the 2024 NCAA March Madness Tournament. Following the ruling, Alabama Men’s Basketball Coach, Nate Oats, brought IVF Embryo #22 onto the bench as a second string power forward for the Crimson Tide.

“Going into that game against Charleston, we were nervous it wouldn’t be game ready,” said Coach Oats, “but the stats speak for themselves.” 

The embryo poured in an impressive 26 points, shooting 55 percent from the field. Despite standing at a modest 1/100th of an inch, the embryo was able to pull down an astonishing 24 rebounds.

Other players expressed hesitation at bringing on a new player after the regular season had finished. “I work hard for my minutes, and then this new in vitro fertilized egg comes in? Yeah, I was pissed,” said Alabama forward Nick Pringle, “But after the game… my God. This embryo could go pro.” 

IVF Embryo #22 continued the hot streak through the next three games in the tournament, averaging a collegiate record 32 points, 22 rebounds and four blocks.

“We’ve been scouting it for the four days since fertilization, it’s a natural,” Oats said. “It’s got a jump shot that can’t be blocked and a close-out that you just can’t teach.”

Following its impressive performances, Oats announced that IVF Embryo #22 would be starting in today’s game against UConn. The highly anticipated meeting between IVF Embryo #22 and UConn center Donovan Clingan will take place on Saturday, April 6. 

But last Wednesday, unbeknownst to the coaching staff, IVF Embryo #22 was implanted into its host, Sophie Miller, a 29-year-old baker and hopeful mother from Birmingham. Analysts are split as to how this will impact its performance tonight.