Hey! Do you have no money? We get it. Tuition’s been paid and that Alpine Bagel won’t pay for itself. Suddenly eggs are expensive because some bird flew? Aren’t they supposed to do that? Well, have no fear! The Oh Well’s Financial Advice department is here to help you seize your entrepreneurial future and make some quick cash.

1. Protect people’s bikes from harm

This idea will make you popular on campus and rich at the same time. All you need to do:

a) Procure several bike locks and attach them to bikes around campus. 

b) When the owners of said bikes return to them, ensure that you are nearby.

c) Emerge from the shadows and name your price for unlocking their bike, acting oblivious as to how the lock got on there in the first place. 

If all goes well, you’ll be known around town as the bike whisperer and make a pretty penny doing it. For maximum effect, lock two bikes together for double the money!

2. Dress up as a Wells Fargo ATM 

Although this is a sure-fire way to make heaps of moola, it could be considered “legally ambiguous.” While the rest of our list is 100% certified morally and legally permissible, please exercise caution with this one.* Put on your best ATM costume and stand in front of the Wells Fargo ATM outside the Student Stores. When somebody inserts their card, tell them that they have insufficient funds (sucks to suck brokie) and retain the card inside your ATM suit. Note: be sure to remember their PIN. Here’s where the magic happens: If you take the card to a different ATM (don’t try your own costume, silly!) and type in the PIN you so cleverly remembered, you’ll be rewarded with free cash. Make sure the ATM is real, though; we’ve heard that there are some evil people out there who pretend to be ATMs so they can steal your money!

*the moral/legal certification was granted by a committee of consulting-related clubs at Kenan-Flagler

3. Start selling textbooks outside of the student stores 

This one may seem self-explanatory but it will require some business savvy. We hired the undergraduate consulting club for this idea, with our only guidelines being to “increase profits at the expense of other students.” We were told that this was to be assumed, and a team of 25 part-time consultants came up with the following master plan for success. First, you’ll have to find as many textbooks as possible (we suggest borrowing them from the library). Next, you should set up shop outside the Student Stores—this is where you’ll be able to easily seek out anyone with a downtrodden look on their face. Chances are such individuals are about to get scammed by Big Textbook. Save them from this sinister fate with an offer they can’t refuse. Kenan-Flagler pro tip: sell the textbooks for exactly one cent cheaper. Oh Well pro tip: Do not attempt inside the Student Stores, only outside of it. They were super mean to us the last time we tried this.

4. Protect the flag

Do you want an easy half a million dollars? How about a lifetime supply of Vineyard Vines? Perhaps a free subscription to Patriot Mobile, the nation’s only Christian conservative wireless provider, tickles your fancy? If so, this one’s for you! Next time you get involved in a scuffle, simply hold up the flag to escape the fight, and you could make a cool $500,000. This is by far the most lucrative method on the list, and it makes a great conversation starter for your Date Right Stuff profile. The only thing you have to lose is the respect of your peers!

5. Join the 29,468 other students on campus in applying for a job at Meantime

I know, I know—the list was so realistic up until now. This one might be a long shot, but if you succeed, you’ll likely top the Fortune 500 list in no time at all. Though you’re more likely to get struck by lightning, getting a job at Meantime is the ultimate money maker. Living wage? More like millionaire’s wage. Working just one shift will have you rolling in more dough than anyone’s ever seen. We’ve heard myths that sometimes the pastry cabinet isn’t empty, but I’ll believe it when I see it. With a Meantime salary, tips, and free caffeine, you’ll be unstoppable!