An Official The Oh Well Biopic

DiPhi is a philanthropic society with a few simple roles here at UNC, such as advising the BoG, promoting the arts, and making regular sacrifices to Zargothrax, the five-tongued snake monster who controls our school. 

That’s right, dear reader. In between donations to Company Carolina and Pauper Players, the cloaked members of DiPhi make monthly trips into the caverns below Lenoir to make ritualistic human sacrifices to He Who Knows, of whom we never speak but all feel His presence. 

A brave Oh Well correspondent gained access to an exclusive DiPhi meeting last week to spy on… I mean, hear from a few members. All quotes were obtained from an audiotape recovered from his body. By some, he will be missed. Others know that he knew the risks.

“I just love being a part of something good,” said sophomore John Whiteman, who’s had his dorm room to himself since last month’s meeting. “It just really feels like we’re doing the right thing, you know?” John’s roommate was unavailable for comment. 

“You shouldn’t be here,” said an anonymous cloaked figure, lurking in the shadows of the DiPhi meeting room. “Zargothrax will not be happy. Zargothrax is never happy.”

“C̵̛͖̙͉͋̂͂̾̀͌O̷̰̰̬̟͕͓͊̇͝Ẃ̶̠̼̲̯̃̃͑̿̂̈E̵͕̠̪̔R̴̗͙͚̓̋̕̕ ̷̛͚͓̱̰͉̄̄̊́͜͜B̸̡͋̆̓͂͊͝E̸͖̥̼̫͓̙͊ͅF̶̧̥̠̙͈͋̆̋͋̈́̑̈́̈Ó̸͎͍̰̞̎̎̆̐̂̍̇ͅR̵̼͒̋E̵̮̠̩̹̞̝̪͑̅͝͝ ̵͍̆M̴̧̨͕̭̽Ḙ̵̦̲̈́̿̔̐͌͌̾,” said Zargothrax, before the audiotape abruptly cut off. He’s right, you know. We will. In the end, we will all cower. In the end, we will all serve.

Addendum: DiPhi has asked us to make it known they are holding open auditions for the role of “Vick Timm”. Students who will not be missed are preferred.