Reporters for campus’ fourth-most prominent newspaper The Daily Tar Heel confirmed in early October that the School of Data Science and Society will combine with the School of Information and Library Science to form an unnamed “School of AI.” Though the exact details of the project are currently unknown, the environmental effects are painfully clear: following a rapid sea-level rise in Bowman Gray Pool, the greater Woolen-Fetzer area will be completely underwater by February 2027.

The construction of the new school comes despite recent climate reports suggesting that artificial intelligence uses, like, so much energy. UNC’s School of AI would emit unprecedented levels of greenhouse gases, causing campus-wide glacial melts which, in turn, would drastically raise sea-levels in Bowman Gray pool.

“Look, I know AI saps a lot of energy, water, critical thinking skills, and general quality of life from our shared human existence,” said Provost Jim Dean, whose name should really be Jim Provost. “But it’s time we recognize AI as inevitable. Plus, I’d really like to date an AI girl. I’d really like to know what that’s like.”

As any UNC student will tell you, Woolen Gymnasium houses one of the largest polar bear populations in the continental United States. Though people often think of them as aquatic creatures, such as fish, polar bears actually require a delicate and precise combination of land and oxygen to survive. The flooding of Boman Gray Pool could pose a threat to this very land and oxygen, making the survival of these bears unlikely.

“I don’t know what this school will be without our polar bears,” sophomore Colin Ranko told reporters for The Oh Well. “I have to imagine prospective freshmen turning to rival schools with higher polar bear counts, like NC State.”

The School of AI is still unnamed, but our whistle-blowers in South Building tell us the administration is considering the name ‘Rebecca.’ The impending AI School serves as another friendly reminder of our exciting global trajectory towards meaninglessness and, eventually, extinction. For these reasons, it’s probably okay to keep smoking weed every day. I wouldn’t worry too much about it.