Starting this fall, UNC’s student conduct guidelines will include a new, controversial rule: “Students may not think, ponder, or contemplate anything negative about UNC-Chapel Hill or its administration.” The addendum comes as a part of Chancellor Lee Roberts’ plan for “increased unity” at the university. After days of emails, rejected phone calls, and a few carrier pigeons, Roberts agreed to an interview with me about the new rule.

“There’s a problem at this school,” Roberts said. We sat in a study room on Davis 4th floor. “We pride ourselves on providing students with a varied, multi-disciplinary education. However, in the process, they start thinking. They stop taking their professors at face value and, worst of all, begin to think their opinions have value.” He shuddered. “Sorry, is it cold in here? I feel like it’s cold in here.” It wasn’t.

He slid a copy of George Orwell’s 1984 across the table. “Have you heard of this?” he said. I told him I had, that I was an English major. “Uselessmajorsayswhat? Ha, just kidding. Anyway, I bought this to use as a doorjamb, but when I opened it, my life changed. There’s this guy named Big Brother, and he makes everyone do what he wants by threatening them with death. That includes thinking mean things about him. It’s genius!”

I asked him if students who commit thought crimes would receive the death penalty. With a sigh, he said, “No, the trustees said it would be too much paperwork. But you should fear it nonetheless. If you’re caught, you face something worse than death… academic probation.” 
He then stared deeply into my eyes. “You’re doing it right now! I can tell! Stop!” He stood and threw his chair against the wall. “You’re thinking my PANTS are TOO TIGHT, and that my HAIR is STUPID, aren’t you?” I was. “That’s it. Go report to the court now. You and your dumbass major are–”
Someone knocked on the door. “Sorry,” they said, creaking open the door, “I have this room reserved.